The REAL Ask Mello
by Xtreme Spirit
Summary: Watari just got me a computer. I found some upsetting stories. I'm bored what can I say? Ask away!
1. Chapter 1

Erm….hey fan finction….what's up? Okay here's the deal; Watari (yeah, tall old man with British undertones, you know him?) just got us Wammy kids new computers. To be quite frank, this really is the first semi-connection we've had to whatever goes on outside of these frickin' "hallowed halls" and some of us (not me of course) are having a little trouble handling the excitement. Take Near for example. The poor little tyke is having a flip-shit! And I mean a flippin' biz-nek-CRACK! He's been surfing the web ever since last night without blinking or nothing! Not to mention he discovered the "_beauty"_ of internet lingo ( i.e. LOL, ZOMG, and my personal favorite GFY. What don't know what that is? Go look it up…..and then go do it! Geez what does it take!) through a little website called "Urban Dictionary". Now he insists on every five minutes popping up on IM and leaving me little spazoid-type messages. I'm rolling my eyes right now……just a little fun fact.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. You see, while I was "surfing the web", as you people seem to call it, I stumbled across this crazy website in which obsessed fan girls (maybe fan boys?) write little fantasies about me and my compares lives. That's a little weird, don't you think? But anyway, while I was searching through some of the stories I found several stories that just made me tip my lid. I found some impudent teenage fan girls (fan boys?) who have stolen my identity to write "Ask Mello" advice columns! Honestly, the nerve of some people! So, I've decided to take it upon myself to write one by the REAL Mello. Forget all those imposters….yeah.

So go one ask away…..anything you want.


	2. Chapter 2

**From: Mello's Ultimate Lover**

OMG! MELLO! I LOVE YOU!

...

sorry... fangirl freak out...

anywayz...

What's your fave brand of chocolate?

Are you and Matt boyfriend and boyfriend?

If not... WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?! I'm told I'm pretty... And my friends  
tell me I act a lot like you.

...I forgot my other question!

Oh wait... What's your favorite band?

Wha kind of music do you like?

R U Gay, Bi, or straight?

Do you wear cologne? If so, What kind?

that's all I can think of right now but I'll ask more l8r...

Bye Mello!

~M~

Dear My Ultimate Lover,  
Pssh, don't worry about the fan girl freak-out. Just make sure it doesn't happen again * glares * (kidding! I'm am Soo kidding) Kudos for being the first to ask something, by the way. I expected nothing less from my ultimate lover * wink * Alright anyway, on to your questions….  
1.) my favorite brand? Hmmmm, that's a tough one. Definitely not Nestles because they support breast feeding (yeah, I care about stuff like that. What's it to ya?) Not Hershey's either because they're too mainstream for me, although I do love a Hershey's kiss every once in a while. I think my favorite kind would definitely Ghirardelli chocolate. That's some good freaking chocolate.  
2.) What, is it the way I dress or something? What makes you people think I'm goddamn gay? So what if when I was little Near and I had a couple of make-out sessions! If its any condolence for you people they were horrible! All slobbery and gross! Can you blame me? What would _you_ do if you were a preteen age boy growing up in a houseful of other boys?

Oh, and just for the record, I only met Matt a year ago. He isn't a Wammy kid. I already took the letter "M." That is all.

3.) Hmmm, like me eh? Maybe. Usually I'm not that easy. I have to connect with people on an emotional level first before I can really consider a relationship….. Yeah right. I'll meet you over on that corner on Saturday night, Baby. Remember to bring your leather jacket, 'cause I'm picking you up with my motorcycle.

4.) I'm really into Sublime. Billy Talent is pretty cool, also.

5.) It depends really on what kind of mood I'm in. When I'm hanging with my boys I prefer Atmosphere or Eminem. When I chillin' on the couch with my girl I like some nice soft music, like classical or anything that gets her…you know in the _mood. _However, when its just me, myself, and I, I like to listen to alternative bands the occasional Goth Rock like Evanescence (hey don't give me that look, they rock okay!)

6.) I think I'm pretty straight. I'm physically attracted to girls and I like how their minds work. But I'm not closed to the idea of dating another Dude, but it would have to be a certain kind of guy. I wouldn't want a guy who was larger than me, overbearing, and loud. He would have to be kind smallish in frame, quiet, but not afraid to have a good time, and sexy….don't forget sexy.

7.) Lately, I've been using this chocolaty-citrus smelling Axe. Now, usually I'm not a huge fan of axe, but this stuff is just _heavenly. _I'll wear it for you when we're on our date. ;) ß That's a wink…just so you know.

**From: Thepuppiesarecute  
haha wasap mello :P can i get a high five?**

ok lets see...

Whats your other favorite food BESIDES chocolate?

have you wanted to be anything else other than a gangsta?

and... what do you think about Matt?

thats bout it for now! :D  


Dear Cute Puppies,  
1.) yeah, sure if it makes you feel better about yourself * high fives *

2.) Food besides chocolate? Banish the thought!- No seriously? I actually don't have a favorite _food_ but I can describe for you my ideal _meal. _Despite what you people might think, I actually have a classy side to me. I really like the thought of a dimly lit room with warm colors around me, a plate filled with a well-done steak and a side salad, and glass filled with red wine. You know, and maybe an attractive girl sitting across from me….

3.) My answer would have to be…um yeah! What do you think I've been doing at the Wammy House those first 14 or 15 year of life? I was trying to succeed L, of course! However, that dream has long left me because I know that honor has fallen upon Near's petite, girlish shoulders. So yes, in an attempt to cover up the grief of failure, I have resorted to gangster-ing. However, I wouldn't mind teaching kids self-defense.

4.) Matt? He's pretty quiet and lives in a world of his own (too many goddamn video games!) But when he does open his mouth its usually to make snobbish comment. Personally, I like him.

**From: Kuno  
**  
**Hey, chocolate boy. When did you meet Matt?  
**

Dear Kuno,  
Erm, sometime last year I think? Our meeting was purely coincidental. We met virtually. You see, back when Watari didn't allow us computers I would sneak downstairs and use his while he slept and fool around on teen chatting sites. My user name was **YourChocolateDream** and his was **HotStud101. **We hit it off right away. And no not like that! Wipe those smirks off your lips!

**From: Backyard Bottomslash  
**  
**Ask Near how often he washes his hair.  
Yeah I know random, but what can I say? Plus there is CHOCOLATE, *cough cough* CHOCOLATE in it for you.  
Oh, I almost forgot to say please. Please.  
**

Dear Bottomslash,

Hold on a sec. *leaves to open bedroom door* NEAR! HOW OFTEN DO YOU WASH YOUR HAIR?! *muffled voices from down the hall* WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY DO I WANT TO KNOW? IT SHOULD BE COMMON KNOWLEDGE! *more muffled voices* *returns to computer screen* Sorry about that, Near doesn't like people prying into his business, especially when it pertains to his personal hygiene. I would _hope_ that he washes it everyday, but who's to know for sure?

Oh and don't worry about the randomness, Dude. You can be as random as your little heart desires. Now cough up the chocolate……

**  
Thanks for sending me your questions, guys! I'm having the time of my life over here!**

Peace out!

~Mello~


	3. Chapter 3

-1**From: Mello's Ultimate Lover **

**Hey Mello... Can't wait for our date! *giggles* I'll be sure to bring some Ghirardelli.**

May I have a hug?

Say Hi to Matt for me?

Can I kill Near for you?

Do you like Hal Lidner? ( If you do, I'll paint a wall a pretty red with her brain) (oops... I went a little psycho...hee hee!)

do you like strawberries? i do... especially dipped in chocolate... m... yum. (I know something else I'd like to dip in chocolate...)

Would you kiss me if I said I owned a chocolate factory? (NO! I'm not Willy Wonka!)

Ever beat Matt at a video game?

I won't even bother asking if you want chocolate. I'll just give it to you. * Hands the hot blonde badass bombshell a truckload of Ghirardelli* Enjoy!

See you Saturday! Oh! How do you feel about me wearing a black ruffled mini skirt and a black and purple corset with the leather jacket? 

Dear Lover-Girl,

1.) I'm not usually a huggy person, but yeah sure…..*hugs*

2.) Definitely, I'll text him right now!

3.) Hmmm, well that sure saves me the trouble. I say, if you have the ability, go for it.

4.) Hal? She's a pretty cool lady, so please don't stain walls with any amount of her blood….please?

5.) Strawberries are pretty hot. I really like them but not after just eating chocolate, 'cause you how when you eat something sweet and then you to eat something less sweet and it tastes bitter? Yuck. But, strawberries _dipped_ it chocolate? Well, that just sounds like an orgasm of the mouth. Now what else were saying you like dipped in chocolate…..?

6) Not necessarily. There's always the possibility that you would still make me _purchase _the actual chocolate.

7.) Yes; pac-man. It truly was a victorious moment. Although, I almost beat him at Halo once.

Jeez, if you dress like that on Saturday I might develop schizophrenia and become jealous of myself! Thanks for the chocolate, by the way.

**From: Emo Naom**

**1.) If you could see the future would you change the way you did things or keep things the same**

**2.) CAN I KILL NEAR 4 U??  
**

**3. If you knew that today the world would end would you share your chocolate with me??  
**

**4.  
Why do you hate Kira  
**

** did you get the nickname Mello.  
Love Naomi**

Dear Naomi,

1.) I hate to say it, but I think I would definitely try to keep my emotions under control. One of the reasons Near is so successful is because he hardly ever shows how he truly feels. If I want to be anything like him, or L, I have to learn to be just as stoic.

2.) Wow, I didn't know Near had this many haters! Yeah sure, you can be partners in crime with my Ultimate Lover!

3.) Phew. Yeah, I guess if you seemed pitiful enough. No offense.

4.) Because I believe that he's only causing wide-spread fear and distrust throughout the world! I mean how can we ever achieve world peace if no one trusts each other? Not to mention the thought of someone taking another persons life! *Gasp* its just so unthinkable, I think I might faint!

That, of course, is what I'm expected to say. But honestly, I simply don't like him because I can tell he's got a cocky attitude. He (or she) just gets on my nerves.

5.) I didn't _get _it. I _chose _it. Everyone at the Wammy house gets to choose their own name.

**From: AllIwantedwasL**

**Mello.  
What strange habits are you hiding behind your anger and regret?  
Where have you gone?  
Near is getting anxious.  
With interest,Beyond Birthday**

**(A/N: Keep in mind that Mello doesn't know who BB is. He only know _of _**B**) **

Dear Beyond,

Woah, hold up! What exactly is your name? Is it AllIwantedwasL or Beyond Birthday? Both are kind of weird, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

1.) Well, if you must know, I have a bad habit of biting my nails. That's why I generally wear gloves. Is that caused by anger and regret? Who knows…

2.) Where have I _gone_? What kind of question is that?

3.) *eyes computer screen suspiciously* Now, how would you know that?

With equal interest, Mello

**From: XxRedxX **

**Er... Ello. *Peace sign* ^^;  
Here are mah questions~  
Does it make you mad when people think you are a girl?  
Why do you like chocolate so much?  
I'll trade you some chocolate for Near. XD**

Dear Red,

1.) People think I'm girl? Hell yes that makes me angry!

2.) I don't know. Why do you like _your _favorite food? I have no good _reason_ for liking it other than it tastes damn good!

*raises eyebrow* Umm, why would want Near? Unless you want to play with puzzles and sit around _not_ talking he's pretty useless. Plus, do you honestly think that I can be bribed with chocolate, come on, I'm stronger than that! *eyes chocolate like a wild beast*

**From: FluffyDuck-01**

**Yeah, well, I have read all the other comments and noticed.  
Isn't this supposed to be an ADVICE column?  
Oh well, but, I do have a question...  
What would you say to a girl version of Near... Namely me. Yeah, Near and I have a big similarity to personalities**

Dear Duck.

This doesn't _have _to be an advice column. In fact, I'm enjoying answering these questions. But I'm up for giving you people my advice (if you really want it that is…)

If you, or anyone else, was a girl version of Near I would probably be much nicer to you/her then the actual male one. The reason is simple: you don't hate on girls unless they're preps (I apologize if I have offended anyone.)

**Keep them comin' you guys, I'm on a roll today! **

**~M~**


	4. Chapter 4

-1

**From: Emo Naom**

**Yay Mello u rock  
Near is a a dork in pagamas. he need to get a life**

=D  
YAY ME AND ULTIMUTE LOVER ARE GOING TO KILL NEAR! YAY

Dear Emo,

That's the most perfect description of Near anyone has _ever_ come up with. Good luck with the whole getting-away-with-murder thing.

**From: XxRedxX**

***Is the only one here who likes Near and doesn't want to keel him* ^^;  
WHEN did you start liking chocolate?  
Have you ever sold your stuff to fangirls on ebay? You'd be rich X.X;  
And I want Near because  
#1 I need him to stare at my friend and scar him for life and  
#2 I like puzzles and not talking =3**

Dear Red,

1.) For my fifth birthday Watari bought me a chocolate bar. Five was a very good year….

2.) * blink * I didn't realize that I was so well-known! Hmmm I'll definitely have to look into that.

Your reasons for wanting Near are fair enough. Go right ahead and take him. But you probably want to do it before Saturday. * points to other reviews * Yeah, obvious reasons.

**From: BB**

**Dear Mello,  
My name...is not important. I never had a name. I was only a letter. You bite your nails? I don't remember you doing that. Maybe now that you're alone the stress has caught up with you. I don't condone you for it. I, too, have become crippled with responsibilities and...goals. Aprosos of Near's anxiety, I am simply guessing. You were, after all, his only friend, as much as you two hated to admit it.  
Anyway, I have another pressing concern: What are your views on the sweet preserve known as strawberry jam?  
(I am, I have come to realise, quite fond of foods that resemble human anatomy.)  
Curiously yours, BB**

Dear B,

Yeah, I bite my nails, and no its not from stress. I've been doing it my whole life. It's a god-awful habit. As for the part concerning Near, I hardly doubt he's feeling any kind of anxiety. He's indifferent and frozen. He has no emotions. We were never friends….

As for your question, I like jam. Its sweet, colorful, and makes for good breakfast. Although I don't really have a preference for certain flavors. They all taste the same to me. Oh, and please keep your little _hobbies _ to yourself. * shudders *

**From: Mello's Ultimate Lover **

**Mello... I would never make you purchase the chocolate!**

... The time 2 kill near has been set for Saturday, right after our date, just so you can watch. I'm sure you'll thoroughly enjoy watching me and Emo Naom torture the hell out of that albino **.

did Matt get mad at u 4 beating him at pac-man? (best game in the world!)

I was being a little bit perverted with the comment about strawberries... I'm sure if you think about it, you'll figure out what it is that I'd like to dip in chocolate pretty quickly... ;)

Why'd you chose the name Mello? Don't get me wrong, I like (/love/) it but... I just want to know how u came up with it. I mean... no offense, cause I love you and would never want to offend u, but... ur name is pretty ironic...o_o

If I gave you 550 pounds of choclate for it, would you kiss Matt? (ON THE LIPS! Not just a peck either. Tongue!) and in front of me? (yaoi fangirl sorry...) *laughs nervously*

Can I haz anudderr hug? Pwetty pwease? *gives puppy dog eyes stare that no one has ever been able to resist*

I'll definitely wear the outfit I mentioned.

bye Mello! Your awesome! AND HOT! *sizzles* I LOVE YOU! *giggles* (sorry... nother freak-out...)

Love:

Your Ultimate Lover

Dear Lover,

Hey, You again? What a surprise!

Saturday? Sounds good. Its going to take all your cunning to take him down, though. If there's one thing I know about him its that he's almost as difficult to capture, much less kill, as L.

1.) Yeah, his pride was a little hurt, but that's okay. Someone has to knock him down a few pegs every once in while. Namely me.

2.) Oh, I knew exactly what you wanted dipped in chocolate. I was just being sarcastic.

3.) I chose the name "Mello" because it was what everyone told me I should _strive _ to be. Not to mention that its sounds damn attractive.

4.) Would I kiss Matt? Hmmm…that's an interesting notion…..Oh God, what would I do with 550 pounds of chocolate? * desperately tries to change the subject *

**From: Kuno**

**Chocolate boy/Mello , can you tell me where you buy your chocolate from? I mean Hersheys taste good but...Meh. I don't know. *would give chocolate, but doesn't know where to get it * D:**

Dear Kuno,

I get my chocolate from anywhere. As I've mentioned before, one of my favorite brands is Ghirardelli, but seriously I don't mind. * would gladly accept any kind of chocolate *


End file.
